So what is the gold that resides in your soul?
It is there. Sometimes it is hidden under a murky fog of fear and loathing, but if you pan for it, well dear reader…seek and you may find…
I am inclined to write on this under the Scorpio full moon; the sign notorious for a darkness and a depth. For the non-hippies in the back, as the full moon shines her light it shows up all your shit, and depending on your birth chart there is a different topic to explore with each moon.
With somewhat stellar timing, as this week sees the beginning of what I am referring to as ‘the grand tour’, this moon asked me to look at my relationship with money.
Fucksake.
If you know me, you know that this is like an ingrowing hair that keeps coming back and getting grosser. The internal battle of ‘I shouldn’t, should I?’ can be present from fueling my car to buying a sandwich. Many purchases come with a side order of my Grandad’s ghost saying ‘save it for a rainy day’. Thank the stars for my Aries sisters who are always there to approve a purchase, and luckily it is raining most days in Manchester so by my Grandparents assertion I really could be buying a lot more than I am.
Time to laser this fucking hair then.
Because my relationship with money is more than how I view my Natwest ap. Money is energy, it is a resource, to quote my darling Greek sister Alexia Sitaras - it is one of the few 100% renewable resources. And if we are looking at what the evidence demonstrates, I have always managed to find some, even when it looks hard. It is also a big part of Manipura, of personal power.
If I am struggling to find a flow with my finances, grasping and gripping, then chances are I am doing the same thing in other more esoteric places. When I wrote down what I wanted to release under the full moon, there was a lot of fear, mainly of the views of others. Not their actual views mind, it is very unlikely they think any of these things - they have their own lives to lead. These are the views that I have projected on to them. When I am in this very victimy cycle of projecting, I get edgy af. Like Florence;
I am freaking out, with the complete conviction of someone who has never had anything actually really bad happen to them, but I am committed now to the feeling.
Seminal work Florence hun, we should get a pint some time...I digress! I can struggle to make eye contact, or respond to the nicest of enquiries, suspiciously scoping every ‘how are you’ for possible accusations - what have you heard eh?!
It is hard and heavy to live this way.
I am after something different.
I ran the irrational chatter through me, writing it down and reading over it. Looking at its tangible form, this really is batshit material. I check the evidence, none of what I am pranging out over is happening. The paper it is written on looks hot and heavy. It feels like a rock as I tear it out of my notebook. As Trevor Hall says, don’t you carry stones in your bowl of light…
I am off to burn into it the Rochdale Canal where it belongs.
Not near me.
All of this pertains to the paranoia I partake in when perusing my edges for approval, when actually, I am the only person who needs to be comfortable with my choices. This shedding is huge, because the more you drop the fog the more you can bloom. It is the time of year to do it! In Asha Frost’s gorgeous book The Medicine Within, this moon is the Flower (or Waawaaskone) Moon. She tells the tale of seeds, who although were very comfortable in their beds, knew they had potential for more beyond the darkness of the soil. Their journey was challenging, but it resulted in them becoming flowers, bathing in the suns rays.
For me, it is easy to keep doing what I am doing, even if it is weird and hard - until it is not. Until I can say with aplomb, that this is not for me. I have done this in pretty much all areas of my life, the one that always sticks out is my last pub job. Every day, I would run for the 86 bus (fitting call sign for this story, iykyk), climb upstairs, pull my sunglasses down and my scarf up and sob silently for the whole journey. I hated it. I was so done. I had felt like this was my lot; I was skint, sad and could not seem to get out of the industry. Everything was happening to me.
One morning I wrote this in my notebook -
Imagine if we put as much effort in to the things that make us happy,
As we do into sustaining the things that make us miserable?
If we put in the same amount as we expend
Running for buses to take us to cages
Into hot rods with which we can chase our dreams…
And that was it…the beginning…the beginning of reclaiming my Soul Gold.
This story, I am sure I have told in different ways a number over the years, I repeat myself often. Stories are muscles, and I like to keep this one strong, because it reminds me how powerful I can be and how divinely the universe works in my favour. Storytelling, also happens to be a piece of my Soul Gold. This is something that both Asha Frost and I refer to often (she came up with the name, very good); that thing that thing you do or have, that way you shine brighter than anyone else. Sadly it can get forgotten, lost in the melee of modern living. What we shed in under the moonlight allows us to reclaim it.
So I am a speaker and a storyteller. Not only can I get up in front of people and speak, I can relate to them, make them smile, laugh and feel comfortable - no issue. That is a skill, and I am proud of that. My Mom used to call me (still does actually) her Little Miss Sunshine, because of how I made people feel. That is fucking cool, and definitely Soul Gold. My over-caring nature that worries about other people, can be a superpower when used for good here. As a teacher, I care about your experience, I just have to be careful not project you caring about if my boobs look weird in top back to me.
I will take this opportunity to stop listing my attributes (and talking about my boobs) to surmise. YOU are fucking special. YOU matter. And only YOU can get out of YOUR way, just like I can only get out of mine. The energy in the universe is primed right now for you, but even if you read this on an inbetweeny moon or are simply not arsed about the moon at all, sound, the energy is still there.
Grab your magic wand (pen) and some paper, get writing and remember what makes you YOU. Because…
Every human’s purpose in this lifetime is to raise the consciousness of this planet and help it to evolve to a greater state of love*…So get your love out xoxo
*Indigenous elder as quoted in The Medicine Within
If you would like to know more about the moon in relation to you, please message Charlotte Solomon aka Moon Child Yoga, she is a genius at this stuff.