It has been a long time since I sat down to share my ramblings with you.
A part of me feels I owe you an explanation, for I have been giving so much of my experience to you - regardless of whether you wanted it, for such a long time now, that to stop would seem rather abrupt, rude even.
And yet, here we are.
I have very little to say that is profound. Indeed, when flicking through old notebooks in both their manual and digital formats on social media, I find myself quite surprised I was ever able to articulate in such a way! How exciting that that potential lives within!
Sometimes, I get a wave of inspiration for a blog or a post. I scribble the title down, and then go find something menial to do to distract myself. I could be the voice of a generation by now had I not felt the need to put a wash on or wipe the handles on my cupboard doors. Even now, I remember I have popped the grill on to make some toast…hang on a minute…
The point I suppose I am trying to come to is, 5 years ago, in the month of my first Saturn Return no less (! - one for the astrology fans) I decided I was done with being lost and chose a path. Translation; I booked my first yoga teacher training. Three years ago, on the eve of nothing in particular, I decided to take my personal development in this journey seriously. Translation; I started writing, working with the moon, working with cards, I booked a retreat, I took courses that explored my inner landscape not just how to do a handstand (nothing wrong with those btw).
As I write this, three and five years sound so small, especially post-pandemic when one month seems to last 43765 days. But they have been absolutely packed full of so much - you were there, doing it too. And of all the key things I wanted…I can sit here comfortably and say to you that I have them. I really do.
They do not seem that complicated, however when I wrote them down they were a million miles from where I was:
To feel free of toxic relationships and the guilt that binds me to them
To have a home that is just mine
To get to teach yoga classes & retreats and make a living from it
To trust myself and look after me
To meet a powerful partner, who is not an absolute weapon
This is not to say that life is ‘perfect’, or that my perhaps irrational desires have been satiated. I would still like to be thinner for example, which makes absolutely no sense and is simply a deeply entrenched response to the ghost of ‘heroin-chic’ pop culture in which I grew - but I am also not willing to do anything to attain that so meh really. A bit of extra cash in the bank would always be helpful, as would a teaching contract in Curacao (google it, not just a blue drink).
So, what now? I am a Capricorn and an absolute hustler - I cannot not have a plan. Not having an obvious big goal or plan does make me edgy. Lack of chaos or almost impending doom is weird.
Am I boring now? IMPOSSIBLE! I just get tired a lot easier than I used to.
Right now, I have an exceptionally exciting year ahead with some amazing classes and a sexy retreat calendar. And I am really loving teaching, watching the communities we have fostered together over the past few years blossom and grow. Watching the garden in bloom is top isn’t it.
It is like being adrift, but the water I am bobbing in is nice and Caribbean so I can do it for a bit.
If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years, pushing against the grain will not get me any closer to whatever I am seeking. But when it is ready to reveal itself, the next obvious thing will absolutely reveal itself.
And that’s the thing about life and about magic, because it is all magic…if your eyes are open, you cannot help but see.
I’m away for a strong coffee and to read a book on Vedanta…I always thought that was a brewery, turns out it’s Verdant…there we are then…
Anything to share? Feel free to comment or slide into my DMs, it is always lovely to hear from you.
Love yow long time xoxo