Oops I Did It Again

That’s right lads, I did.  And not only that, I was so arrogant about the fact that I was not doing it that I saught medical advise explaining so. What am I talking about? Why, my most specialist of subjects - Burnout. The red flags, the signs, they were everywhere.   And I was completely ignoring them.   When I started blacking out mid-class yet continue to teach with even greater aplomb, that was surely a sign.  I sought medical advise, and when they asked about my schedule I told them I was healthy and active and I knew how to look after myself.  I have many practices in my arsenal to support me don’t you know…I am a professional. Yes, I do know how to look after myself, I have some great practices - was I doing them?   Nope. Then there was the crying.  At the red light to join the A6.  When I could not connect the Aux cable in the car.  Sometimes before I left the house.   I have an old trick from way back, where if I had ‘too many feelings’ I would wear mascara all the time, because you just do not cry with a fresh eye, right!   Well, turns out that does not work anymore - which if anything is a testemant to the inner work done that I can no longer lie to myself in this way, but did also mean that I was often running late due to ressurecting a Robert Smith eye (NB/ I am not explaining The Cure to you, but Google will). The lateness!  I have preached that I am late for everything except when I am getting paid.  And to be honest if you have driven through Manchester in or either side of rush hours you know how soul destroying the traffic is.   However, I was not helping myself.   I like to be in the building 15/20mins before kick off to acclimatise, prep, ensure serenity and sexiness.  But a lot of the time I found ways subconscious ways of not leaving the house - how am I meant to leave without wiping that bathroom wall?!  I could really do with checking that box under my bed in case an item that I definitely both do not need and probably do not own anymore is in there.  I’ll just pop a white wash on… The slightest inconvenience had me fretting.   Bitter pain englulfed every joint upon waking. Recoling at every message that said ‘hey, how are you, fancy catching up’ left on read. I avoided people. I avoided me… Because there was no way I could be burned out.   No. Way. I teach 10 fewer classes then when I was at my busiest. And I work out less…I barely work out…that’s partly because every time I do I feel like I am gonna pass out… And I am not even practicing that much…or at all…there is no time for any of that…I am barely doing anything.   How can I be burnt out?! I am smiling to myself as I write this.   I have so much compassion for this shade of me.   She is my perpetual habit loop, a fall back plan, my big dharma that will always need breaking and remoulding. As I said to you a while back, I had achieved what I set out to five years ago.  These were all big Muladhara (root chakra) topics - home, place, space, safety, knowing who I am.  The beginning of a great career.  A great love.   I got them. But I was so used to going and getting that I did not know how to stop.  How to shift my focus to the next step.  I could not figure out what that looked like because the only thing I knew was momentum.  Like many of us but particularly other teachers/artists/self-employed people - not even a pandemic had slowed me. It did not all catch up with me at once.  Rather, it offered clues on week 1 of my holiday, where in between family time I could not concentrate on any of the books I had packed to read.  I had no any interest in my usual holiday activites of pounding the streets looking for culture in favour of catching up in sleep by the pool (not terrible at all, but definitely for function over invested relaxation), scrolling, and updating the odd spreadsheet.  I got a couple of runs in and some yoga to make sure I did something, and for the first time in years found myself wanting to skip to svasana, to the quiet… The Miami Incident (which I will write to you about very soon) was the big trigger for a lot of realisations, a lot of self-coaching and a lot of releasing.  It has led to the understanding that if I do not know what to do, I will do the thing that comes easiet to me, which is work. The conflict emerges, as the thing with Yoga is - it is a vocation as opposed to work.  It is a spiritual path, a way of walking through the world and understanding it.   I somehow meandered off the path, wondered back a few miles and got stuck there.  But this is ok.  I am human.  Life is full of lessons, not tests.  And this right here, is true for all of us, not simply Yoga teachers. One of the greatest things about this path is that it is a renewable source, always there to come back to, judgement free, patiently waiting and warnly welcoming. If being hard on ourselves worked, it would have worked by now. Be Kind To Yourself. The priority is to capitalise on this realisation.   To invest in a less is more mentality when it comes to where I put my energy.   And I know what it is I want to do.  I am taking much of my own advice, because it starts with me.   How I want to nuture and suport myself and our absolutely bloody gorgeous community that you are a part of and I simply adore. How I want to continue to foster this supportive space where we can all show up safe in the knowledge that none of know what we are doing except that we are all doing our best and sometimes we lose the plot and that is absolutely fine coz we take the lesson and keep showing up coz it all becomes clear in the end and tomorrow is another day and we are who we are and we see each other and we are all walking each other home… And that is what I got for now. If this resonates, please feel free to drop a comment or DM, I really do love hearing from you. Love you long time xoxo (Photo sort of unrelated, taking advantage of my ring light at our beloved Wallop, I do look a bit confused)


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