The space between the last time I wrote like this and today is big. The distance between that girl and the one typing now, vast. I wanted to write what I was taking in to 2025, but I swiftly found that I could not do it without a review of sorts of 2024. My dear friend Christine conducts an annual review this time every year to coincide with her birthday. I try not to look backward for fear of pangs of nostalgia, or freaking out at opportunities missed, stupid boys kissed etc. Try as I might to live by the words of St Ian of Brown; ‘It’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at’ (I have probably omitted an ‘ar kid’), a little retrospective cements the learning, so here we are.
With a birthday thrown in around the turning of another Gregorian year, and the amplified emotion that comes with Christmas, it is a safe bet that sometime between November and January I will inevitably have an ‘oh-my-god-what-the-hell-am-I-doing’ meltdown. The length and the intensity of which will vary - this year I bask in Capricorn efficiency that I have already done it, actioned the epiphany and it only lasted a week (flicks hair and brushes shoulders).
These dark nights of the soul, or ‘energetic deaths’ as we in the wonderful world of wellness have come to know them, although wildly inconvenient and painful, provide the most fertile ground for growth. The soil must be turned and tilled for those after an earth metaphor. For those more akin to the fire, if all that is left are the smallest embers, well, they are often the hottest.
In my experience, these moments set the tone for my year, especially if perhaps the claret has clouded my clarity. With my initial goal of 2024 being to make it to lunchtime without crying or smoking, I eventually chose to embrace space. Try as I might, I could not schedule my way out of a crisis (the most Capricorn of knee-jerk reactions, for I am a woman of my people), so I took the absolutely wild decision to ‘see what comes through’. As a now-recovering control freak (in addition to recovering people pleaser, quite the rehab centre), this really was a big deal. I named it my R&D, or ‘Fuck About And Find Out’ year. With the permission of my psychic (stop it) to go have some fun, onward to glory I went.
I tried to create a top 5 list of learnings but there appear to be two that encompass everything and in the interest of simplicity, I shall stick with them.
I am home. Here. In my body and in Manchester. For what feels like my entire life I have always had my eye on being ‘somewhere else’, wherever that was. Laced with undertones of a life of inadequacy, I realised, finally, that I am enough. That my life is wonderful. What I have built is wonderful. My friends, my family, my experiences, the dizzying highs and crippling lows - it is all enough and wonderful. My friend and teacher Mark England describes not wanting to be confident but rather comfortable. And I feel this. A life that feels as easy to be in as throwing on my most comfortable joggers. Of course, at some point I will outgrow this pair and things will feel tight and sticky again. But I am better resourced now to get new joggers, ones that look nice, and not too expensive (free class for the first person to recognise that quote).
Follow the whole body Yes. While I would not define myself as either a procrastinator or an indecisive person, I can question myself when it comes to things I want. Perhaps a combined working class hangover and the societal conditioning of being a woman lead to ‘do I deserve it, can I afford it, and if I do not get a certificate at the end then is it a worthy pursuit?’. But the most fun, most rewarding, most joyous experiences in 2024 came from responding to the full body tingle of a Yes. India (now twice), America, investing in a mentor, San Juan with Lucy, a recent date I went on - all majestic experiences coming from my cells saying YES. Do not talk yourself out of these feelings. Let your soul speak.
So, can I continue with feeling home and following the whole body yes in to the coming year? I can. I know what the opposite feels like, and I do not want it. The ability and courage (for it is courageous in the modern world to not hate yourself for the benefit of advertising and follow your heart) to do this comes from the fact that I have built a life that takes care of me, no mean feat. So if I am off kilter, everything is off. No longer do I wince at ‘self-care’ as the preserve of nice girls who get facials and look good in a nude colour palate, I am a walking fucking billboard for the stuff. And while these principles may not map out my path exactly, they are solid tools with which to walk forward.
Let’s not forget, none of us really know what we are doing, so all we can do is our best.
So, dear reader, what are you taking forward?
Comments